Dear Diary, let's talk about milestones,

His best friend and co-worker took B to the hunting camp this weekend. B was so excited! I was happy that B would have some guy time with someone close to his dad. He got to hang out with his friends, do "guy stuff", and got his first deer. I thought I was ready but I wasn't.

I got the text and the pictures and I was happy and proud and excited for B, for about 30 seconds. Then my mind went straight to "HE was supposed to be here for that". I thought back to a few months ago when we were at the hospital to have his chemo port installed and he asked the nurse if it could go on his left side because the right was his gun shoulder and he needed to be able to shoot this fall. Another instance of all the emotions at once! ALL OF THEM! I never liked feelings much to start with, one at a time, now THIS. I try to remember that there were so many things he did get to do with our kids and I'm thankful he had the kind of friends that step in for guy stuff, but man the emotions are exhausting.

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It's currently a few days before FATHERS DAY. I've been a mess all week. Guess what? Fathers Day is also my birthday this year. AWESOME! Cool, cool. So I'm planning on sitting this one out all together. My kids will be waking up to no dad. I will not be planning something fun for our family to celebrate. I'm tired of everything being an emotional trigger. I am genuinely glad I have a father and that everyone is celebrating their dads but the other side of the day is new for us and just one more thing I never thought of before October last year. I'll probably take the kids somewhere or something, I should probably see what they want to do.

Here's to hoping that staying busy keeps us distracted and next year will be less painful.