Things that make me mad!

There is a point, stay with me here. Eight months out and here's what makes me mad.

• He's not here.

• That we ever joked about "not making it to 50" or "not going to last that long"

• He left in a way that was his biggest fear.

• That my head tells me I could have done more research, worked harder, said more things, hid the fear better.

• That my head and heart pop up the sad more than the happy times right now.

• That I'm an only parent.

• That maybe I wasn't hiding my feelings well enough and I maybe made others sad or uncomfortable.

• That my head even thinks of all this at all.

• That there are more triggers than I ever imagined.

• That I use and understand the word "trigger" to this depth

• That I live in the same place we spent our entire dating and married lives together and that there is not one place that doesn't bring up memories.

• That news comes on about a "cancer cure" and it's 9 months late.

• Mad at myself for getting mad because, what kind of monster gets mad that there is a potential cancer cure.

• That I was never a more outgoing person because now I have to do ALL the things with ALL the people.

Many more things, they pop up daily. Now you are asking yourself why this post is under the "Healing" category. Well, that's because until about a month ago I wasn't getting mad about anything.

Nothing.

At all.

In my previous life before October '21, I was working on my anger issues. I wasn't violent but I had a "righteous anger" and got mad quickly over any injustice large and small. I was on fire for what's right and waxed poetic about politics. Well, as someone in a Widow Group said, "We weigh and measure things differently now". That was the first time something in that group spoke to me and I identified with it. So many things just did not matter any longer.

Honestly, some things still don't matter as much as they once did. It's like everything goes on a scale and if it weighs more than the worst thing that ever happened to you, it get's some attention. If you can put it on that invisible scale and in the grand scheme of things it weighs less; no attention necessary. At some point though, my mad started coming back. That seems like a weird way to gauge progress but there you have it. I guess it's just one of the "back to normal" milestones. It's strange to notice the smallest shifts in your behavior but take the time to examine and take stock of where you are. Then, if you can remember, compare it to where you were. Remember, healing in small steps is still healing.