Dear Diary, What just happened?

What I remember:

• Ended up taking an ambulance to the hospital instead of driving to chemo.

• Doctors mentioned it looked like multi organ failure.

• I asked if I should let the kids know and the Dr. said she was an advocate of telling the kids everything, but yes.

• Trying to hide from him how serious they thought it was.

• Having a complete breakdown in my sisters office (she worked at the hospital)

• Ambulance to his Oncology team an hour away.

• They didn't know where the infection was but they were monitoring.

• Covid rules so usually no one but me in the room but it's time to call in the family so they will let 5 people in at a time over the next 2 days.

• but not our 9 yr old son!

• I ferried people in and out of his room for 2 days acting like I was hostess at a friggin party or something. " Hi, How are you, thanks for coming" , "He's really tired but I know he wants to see you", "Me, I'm fine, really" Thanks for coming Be careful driving home Love you Thanks for stopping by.

• He moved to ICU on a Wednesday...I think...and I moved to the hotel down the street

• ICU visits at 10 and 2

• Not much talking by him. Lot's of I Love You's. I played his favorite music on the phone near his ear.

• Thursday morning, got the call, went to ICU, he was not responsive. I played his music and talked and held his hand until he passed.

• Family at the hotel. Had to tell kids. Don't remember much.

• Made it to parents house, took some calming meds and lights out.

• Friday, funeral arrangements

• Sunday funeral.

• Monday

• Tuesday

• Wednesday

• Thursday

• Friday

• ???????????

• I think there was a birthday party I brought my son to somewhere in there. I know I went to the school Fall Fest because I can still see people looking at me like they were surprised I was there. I remember thinking if I don't get up and go, my kids will think something is wrong and I don't want them to be without both parents right now.

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Man...that was harder to remember than I thought. For someone that only cried when angry before, I seem to be making up for lost time and crying for all sorts of things now. It feels better after so I guess that's ok. I hate crying though. I hate that the person that made it better is gone now. Gotta keep moving. Looking back, grief fog is real! There are so many things I think I've forgotten from those first few weeks and months. Conversations with people I remember talking to but not what we were talking about. I know I was working after the first month but I can't remember the projects I was working on. Maybe I should have kept a diary for real. Maybe you should keep a diary too. All I know is I quickly decided if I didn't keep busy I wouldn't want to move at all and the kids needed some normal. I needed to look normal and act normal. Then I found out that the busier I stayed, the less time I had to think and the more exhausted I was at bed time so no thinking while I fell asleep. Not thinking was great. It's when I have downtime that I start falling apart. I feel it's important to let you guys know that I am in NO WAY a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist. If you need to talk to someone, do it! If you don't feel like you want to talk, find something to DO! Take care of yourself.