Dear Diary, I need a plan...

I need to stay busy. Don't want to think. He was the one that was always working. He was the one that practiced with the kids. He was the one that cut the grass, did the outside stuff. I can't be a wimp anymore and stay in the airconditioned house, not getting sun burned, reading books or catching up on Netflix after work. I have to do his stuff now. Get the boy to baseball - check

Load up the car - check

Drive the long drives - check

Grill - Maybe...not yet

Daughter needs an oil change - crap. He did that. Ok, I'll schedule one.

We can't live with mom and dad forever. I mean, they are good with it but we need our own space. Kids need a home. I need to be able to make it without him so just jump right in already! Order the house plan. No, it's not your dream home. Your DREAM HOME died in October with him but you can build the next best thing. Gotta do something with the land you bought 2 days before you found out he had cancer.

Farming.

We can learn how to raise something, plant something....I need a plan. Get a plan and I will be able to keep on moving. NO DOWN TIME. Down time is the enemy!

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I'll be honest. I'm a planner anyway. I always loved planning a vacation more than the actual trip. I have exit strategies for every place I go. I plan where we sit in the movies. I legit researched " how to survive a plane crash" and select my seat accordingly. My plans have back up plans. Keeping my mind occupied has never been an issue. I have several thoughts and internal speak going on at all times in my head anyway but I have recognized that I'm a bit overboard right now. (*cough* now's the time for a blog *cough*) Yeah, I know.

I'll just call this my therapy. Writing therapy. Whatever keeps you going right...

If decision has made you immobile, if grief has you paralyzed, if depression is lurking at your door and you can recognize it...fight back.

You are here!

Go outside.

Breathe.

Move.

Plan.

One day you will look back and be glad you took the first step.