Dear Diary, Someone told me I look good today...

Actually said I look great and asked if I have lost weight.

Decided to check. I hadn't actually thought about it.

Wow. Down 30 lbs. Good for me I guess.

It's weird what grief and stress can do to a body. What it can do to a mind for that matter if I don't remember not eating. Last year me would have had to work super hard to lose 30 lbs. This year... well this year I'd much rather be heavier and have him here than to be lighter without him.

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Noticing the weight loss was one of my "wake up" moments. I heard it a lot but sometime in March, on a business trip, seeing co-workers that I had not seen since my husband got sick, someone noticed and I think it was some sort of snap. I remember actually feeling hungry not long after that and wondered when I stopped noticing food at all.

I remember a brief moment after the funeral when I was fixing a plate and tried to eat then had to step out while I had a panic attack because the thought hit me that I was eating and he wasn't. I only remember it because someone outside of my biological family witnessed it and to me that was unforgiveable. No one is to see the messy me.

I wondered then if I was going to end up with an eating disorder over this trauma on top of everything else.

I'm currently back up 10 lbs so I guess some switch flipped. Another step out of the fog.

Two things I want you to know if you are going through this.

• It's important to go through the motions. Fake it till you make it, if that's easier to remember. Eat, sleep, shower, brush your teeth, get out of the house even if it's to the mailbox. Make a check list of "normal" things and make sure you do it every day if you have to. There will come a day when you don't need to but until then, keep tabs on your self.

• If you need help, get help. Go to the doctor. Talk to someone. The fog will clear but it's hard to know you are in that place until you are out of it. I happen to have a lot of internal dialog going at all times so I am my own critic, therapist, cheerleader etc. but I know not everyone is like that. If someone mentions something to you that seems weird to you now such as, "Are you eating?", "How are you?", "Would you like to go to the movies?" , don't brush them off. Think about your answer before auto replying.